xcode? holy fucking god, it’s like apple sat down and said, “let’s make sure this is as much of a nightmare as humanly possible”. you thought you could just code? ha! wrong. first, it’ll fuck with you nonstop. you’ll be writing code like a goddamn professional, and then, when you least expect it, xcode will decide your files are worthless and just delete them for no goddamn reason. it’s like a murderous poltergeist that loves to watch you spiral into madness. you’ll try to build your project, but xcode’s like, “nah, we’re gonna fuck up everything for you”. don’t even think about using git properly—xcode and version control are like oil and water. it’ll destroy your commits, create phantom branches, and fuck with your head until you’re staring at “merge conflict” hell for days. and if you want to fix it? good luck, you’ll spend hours trying to untangle this insane web of madness that xcode left you with.

and then there’s swift, the asshole of the programming world. it’s like apple just threw a bunch of random shit in a pot, stirred it up, and called it a language. you think swift’s all “modern” and “safe”, right? wrong. it’s a tyrant that gives you the finger every time you try to do something “simple”. you try to declare a variable, boom, runtime error. you think you’ve got type safety? oh, guess what, swift’s like “fuck your types”. your perfectly safe code gets wrecked by the compiler, throwing cryptic error messages that only exist to send you on a wild goose chase. you spend hours tracking down bugs that turn out to be apple’s fault, but do they fix them? of course not. it’s like the compiler’s just sitting there laughing at your misery, while you’re stuck reading unreadable error logs, going “what the fuck does that even mean?!”. and then when you think you’ve figured it out, swift decides it’s not done fucking with you. now you’re in optional hell, trying to unwrap things, only for swift to randomly flip you the bird and tell you to deal with a crash that shouldn’t even exist.

let’s talk about provisioning profiles, which is essentially apple’s way of trying to murder you slowly. you think you’re finally gonna run your app on a device? guess again. xcode will pull out the old “your profile is invalid” card, as if you’re fucking cursed. it’s like xcode is telling you to die in a fire. you’ve done everything right—created the right profiles, signed in, all that crap—and still, boom, the system just tells you, “nah, fuck you, try again.” you reset everything, and guess what? the profile just breaks again like it’s fucking designed to mock you. and when you finally do get it to work, xcode will pull a new, random stunt to make sure you’re never at peace. it’s like an abusive relationship that you can’t get out of. you just want to run your app, but no, apple’s like, “here, have some more pain.”

and simulator errors? that’s like throwing gasoline on the fire. you think the simulator’s your friend? think again. xcode will get it into its little sick head that it’s time to crash the simulator for no fucking reason. you’re trying to test your app, and the simulator just decides it doesn’t like you. it refuses to load your app, and instead, it just throws you into a black hole of nothingness. does it even work on real devices? who the hell knows? the simulator doesn’t give a shit, and neither does xcode. you can’t test your app because the simulator’s a fucking mess, and now you’re stuck guessing if your app even works on a real phone. you want to test on different screen sizes? hahaha, good fucking luck, because the moment you try to tweak anything, xcode’s gonna destroy everything you’ve worked for.

cocoapods? fuck you, cocoapods. you thought cocoapods was going to make your life easier, but no, it’s just another vicious trap that apple’s set for you. you think you can just add some dependencies and move on with your day? think again, asshole. it’ll tell you everything’s fine, then leave you with version conflicts, broken dependencies, and an empty terminal window mocking your efforts. you’ll be stuck in dependency hell, and no matter how much you pray to the programming gods, you’re going to spend days fixing shit that shouldn’t even be broken in the first place. apple’s big middle finger is right there in your terminal, just waiting to send you into another rage-fueled spiral of despair.

build times? jesus christ. you click “build”, and time stops. that tiny progress bar fills up slower than your soul dies inside. you’re waiting for your app to compile, and guess what? you’re waiting for nothing. xcode decides it’s time to index your project again for no fucking reason. you’ve got a small app, but xcode decides to treat it like it’s the most complicated thing on the planet. you’ll be staring at that progress bar like it’s mocking you, knowing full well that you could have written 10 apps in the time it takes for xcode to “build”. but you’re stuck, because xcode’s got its own perverse agenda of making sure you’re completely miserable. and when it finally compiles? the build crashes anyway. it’s a cruel joke.

and let’s talk about the m2 mac. you dropped thousands of dollars for a machine that was supposed to be the ultimate weapon for developers. but instead, it’s a fucking oven that melts your soul as it tries to run xcode. that fan sound? that’s not the sound of performance. that’s the sound of your dreams getting destroyed. you can feel the heat radiating as your macbook burns itself out, compiling code that should be easy as hell to handle. and when you finally manage to get your app to compile? congratulations, your macbook now has third-degree burns and is ready to explode. the system’s running so hot that you’re wondering if it’s just trying to melt itself down so it can save you from the horror of xcode.

and now, the cherry on top of this fucking shitshow: apple’s goddamn ecosystem. you are now trapped in the worst walled garden known to man. you think you’re getting out? no, you’re stuck. you want to use a better server? can’t. want to offload some of the load to a cloud machine? too bad. apple’s locked you into a system where you’re forced to use their overpriced, overheating hardware, and there’s no escape. they want you to suffer, and the second you try to deviate from their bullshit, they shut you down and remind you that you’re nothing but a slave to their hardware and software. welcome to hell, motherfucker. enjoy the ride.

tl;dr: ios development isn’t just coding. it’s war. every day, you’re fighting xcode, swift, and the entire apple ecosystem like you’re in a hellish deathmatch where no one wins. every goddamn step is a battle, and even when you think you’re done, xcode will reach out and destroy your life again. this isn’t a profession. this is a punishment. and at the end of it all, when you finally get your app to compile, it’s like you’ve won the world’s most fucked-up lottery—except you didn’t win anything, because the entire process was designed to make you want to quit. fuck apple. fuck swift. and fuck xcode.